Uncle Tiffany

Uncle Tiffany
The one who is constantly being harassed by morons

Welcome To Socially Retarded Epic Fail Dating

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Nanaimo, B.C, Canada
For your amusement, a collection of morons who harass me. I leave my account up solely for laughing at the socially retarded psychopaths who I seem to be a magnet for. Feel free to add your own fail as well!
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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

October 13, 2010: kitkat17

So if you want to pick up girls at 4 A.M the first thing you do is ask a way too personal question as an intro, accuse them of bestiality and then go schizophrenic and pretend to be your own dad. Works every time.

kitkat17: is your clit pierced?

Me: No.

kitkat17: how far down your poon hole has J Boots gone?

Me: How much crack have you smoked?

kitkat17: um who is this? Who are you to bad mouth my son!

Me: Jesus Christ go to bed you schizophrenic dumbass.

kitkat17:  ur hot

Me: ........

kitkat17: do you have any diseases i should know about?

Me:  All of them if it means you'll leave me alone.

September 21, 2010: DWB82

DWB82: Not really into killing chicks and raping babies myself but I still got a kick out of your profile......WTF!!

(My profile talks about dolphins and a study showing how they killed their young and sexually assaulted a few women, where this moron got this shit from I have no clue. Probably his own secret little fetish).

Me: OK...

DWB82: So whats your deal, do you just get a kick out of the bullsh*tpeople write back to you and your just on here purley for amusment?

Me: Yep

DWB82: That's sad, at first I thought you were kinda funny, didn't mind talking to you but I wont be the center of some f_ckin joke that you and you boyfriend like to read and feel important. You guys should get a real life, make some friends, find a hobby, get a job ect......(yep!)

(How the hell can 2 words cause such an epic spaz?!)

Me: Wow calm down spaz. Both of us fo have lives, jobs and hobbies. I work in health care WTF do you do that's so impressive that you actually have to use this site for real? And oh I've got friends. Maple Ridge? My whole fucking family lives there. Have fun never getting laid, tool.

September 24, 2010: sal_chawla

This one is a little out of place date wise, but it is definitely worthy of a place in the fail blog.

This moron had whined for my FB. In order to shut him up I gave it to him and was planning on deleting him a few days later and hoping he didn't notice. I got distracted and clearly forgot to do that as he had his own downright retarded reason for taking care of it himself...

sal_chawla: ur piercings creeped me out .. i removed u off my facebook.. i m sorry !

Me: If you're that much of a close minded pussy I don't want you on my friends list anyways

sal_chawla: !i am sorry ! i am not that close minded .. but i believe u can look far more elegant !

(Says the moron who has a display picture of his face painted bright red so from a thumbnail glance he looks like a third degree burn victim on crack)

Me: Tough shit. I like how I look. I don't really care if you don't. You're not my type at all to begin with.

September, 20 -to October,12, 2010: karan89

September 29, 2010

karan89:  hi hny. w sup. ! wuld u like to b my frnd. ?u r sooOOOoo cute. !

Me: :/

karan89: kida bhootniye

Me: Oook

October 1, 2010

karan89: hi w sup. .w uld u like to b my frnd. ?

Me: I cannot fucking read this shit.

October 12, 2010

karan89: kida

Me: What?

karan89: hi cutie. w sup. ?wuld u lke to b my frnd. ?

Me: I'm haning out with my boyfriend, we're busy. No.

(This seems to be an on-going thing... will update as the illiterate shit keeps spewing into my inbox).

October 10, 2010: Purple Winter (YET AGAIN!)

PurpleWinter: why is it so warm in your place?

Me: Ummm what place?

PurpleWinter:  your place.....

Me:   Uh my house? And how the hell would you know?

PurpleWinter: im joking, jeez i dropped by earlier and had a glass of juice.

Me: Who the fuck is this?

PurpleWinter: i am you. How do i show you. Deep down, if you look deep enough you have feelings locked away. Feelings of insecurity and failure. You cover them up with the fabrics of life, but still they linger.... You hide them well enough family and friends dont have a clue, that sometimes you think of self destruction, self liberation, self divenment.

Me:  WTF am I getting so many fucking creepy retarded messages on here today. You better hope you weren't in my fucking house.

PurpleWinter:  i wasnt in your house, i can still see you from here

Me: Do I need to call the god damn cops or some shit? This is awkward as fuck.

PurpleWinter:  im joking im not in or around your place, im just ****ing with you

Me: Well I'm getting a bit sick of all the morons on this site fucking with me today.

PurpleWinter:   its because your probably the most laid back person on here, so guys cut loose, they wanna flirt with you how they would flirt

Me:  Ya except some psychopath mouthing me off and about 496389 retards being judgmental assgoles calling me stuck up and sn attention whore just cos they can't get me and I'm pretty.

PurpleWinter: dont worry hun. You are really pretty and so unique! Guys cant get you because you werent meant to be with them. You were made to be like that. I hope you dont feel bad!! You need to not give up and some cute guy will happen to you

Me: I'm taken I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months.

PurpleWinter: ohh? such a lucky guy, he prolly just loves to hold you. To kiss your ear.. to make sweet passionate love to you. I bet he cant live without your being near him.

Me: Yep he really does love me alot he's great.

PurpleWinter: mmm sounds so good. Maybe in the future you will be tken wildly by another mate. Out of pure animal instinct, just making hot love time all over the drapes.

Me: Pretty sure I don't want anyone else ever.

PurpleWinter: uncletiffany you had me at hello, im am leaving you for another women now. Your cold hard emotionless being has left me undersexed and sultry.

Me: Ooook then.

PurpleWinter:  god your so sexy. Fine i know your bf story is a coverup, i know you and me are cut from the same cloth. You can fool me but tell your tale to all the little boys who try to take you home, which i havent tried to do. When i do try to take you home with me youll know, i could post a pic but you would become overwhelmed. Sweety be my sexy girl.

Me: Uhhh whatever helps you sleep at night.

PurpleWinter:  ill get you

Me:   I'll get a restraining order?

PurpleWinter:  no like ill make you love me

Me: No you won't. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

PurpleWinter: why, anything is possible you could fall in love with me at anytime. Believe me, your not in control... love is in control if you rescue me, ill be your friend foreverlet me in, your bed ill keep you warm in winter. All the kitties are playing and there having such fun, I wish it could happen to me.

Me: Are you on fucking crack?

PurpleWinter: i am high

Me: Good. Go away.

PurpleWinter:  its my night off. on my nights off i usually, kick back throw on some belvadier lounge music, and smoke some mary j SWEET sweet mary.

Me: That's nice. I'm done now. Find someone else to harass.

PurpleWinter: ok i take it your tired of my shot, well take care hun. This is the seventh time weve talked now. remember me hun.

Me:   Ya no shit I'm tired. You're psycho. Ya. I'd rather not remember this incredibly awkward, creepy conversation. Find something better to do than be retarded on the internet.

PurpleWinter: and everytime its just as cold blooded as the last, thats why i kep coming back for more, I love you. Ok talk to you in a few weeks, cya hun bun!! xoxo

Me: Ya no shit. I have no clue who the hell you are. I'm not interested I never will be and I'm very tempted to block your ass.

PurpleWinter: honestly plz dont block me

Me: Then fuck off.

If I don't end up hunting this guy down myself and tying him to the train tracks in time for the morning propane delivery to Vic to run his ass down first then I will keep you posted...

October 10, 2010: membrane

Before you read this, you need to see this guy's fucked up train wreck of a profile:


the names matthew...was born in comox, grew up in woss... left the island for the first time to go to japan when i was 17, graduated at carihi in 06, spent a year in calgary, six months in regina, a summer on the island, and the last 3 years i spent on the road, working... no home, no address... in a new place every week... i resently moved back home due to family complacations and touch of home sickness

More about mat-

like all kinds of music... all kinds, except gangsta rap and twangy country... i like many movies, exsept for sappy love stories, i read alot... more than most, but not so much novles as text books... geology, biology, physics, history, phycology, religion, quantuim mechanics ect..... ive read the bible and the koran, ive researched many religions and belief systems... i believe in phycics, astral travle and aleans... however i rarely talk about any of it, simply because 98% of the people i encounter dont care, or dont understand

i am extreamly easy going, pritty much content with everyhing... i have my low points, as does everybody elce... im crazy but im not insain... i enjoy keeping myself occiupied, either with good freinds or famiy... i spent enuf time alone to realize that true happyness is only real when shared... my loved ones mean the world to me... i will do anything, anything for those who i care about... im easy to get along with, people like me... kids like me, and older people think i have a good head on my shoulders, my mother is very proud and allways talks me up to people, aahhah...

What i do---

i am a abortist... in simple terms, i work with trees... i climb them, i cut them... i know alot about trees, every one is diffrent, and each one tells its hole life story to those who know how to read it... i embrace life... i love all animals, and all animals love me... im the kinda guy who can hand feed a wild bird, or ride a wild horse... i grew up in a logging camp... ive spent the majority of my childhood in the woods, mushroom picking, hunting and fishing... i like to spend as much time outdoors as possible... camping, hiking and just hanging out by a fire

My intentions---

i doubt very much i will find what im looking for on here, but i dont hurt to try... im not looking for my one and only... my little princess... im looking for a grown up down to earth mature partner to develop a relationship with... some one who has the strength to stick by my side threw thick and thin... ive been in to many realationships that dident last for someone my age... i loved them all and will never forget them, but our time together is done.... i have yet to meet someone who can prove to me that i will allways mean as much to them as they do to me... my biggest fear is finding someone who i think im going to spend the rest of my life with only to be screwed over years down the road.... one of my good friends was with a girl for 7 years, he took in her and her two kids.. resently she spent the 20 grand in his bank, pawned of 3/4 the stuff in the home and took off to alberta with some guy she met on the internet, leaving her two kids behind.... and this is not an isolated story... i see this happening to many many people... soo dont make me love you now, if you will not love me when im old and rinkled
What can be exspected of me----

i am hardworking, and honest.... i will allways have a steady income and be able to provide... i will never tell a lie, even if the truth will hurt... i will allways be active going places and doing things, i will never get violent, never yell or hit things.... i will allways help those who ask... but i will never take no guff from anybody if i dont think i deserved it... i will stand my ground and defend what i believe in or the ones i care about.. i will one day buy land, and build my own house, i will have kids, and be the father i never had, i will provide the opertunites i was denied, i will allways live my life in a steady state of advancement until the day i take a long walk into the woods to die in peace

i smoke pot, i dont do drugs, i will drink, but not often, and not to get loaded... i will smoke pot until the day i die, and i will never again touch any other drug, and i will never become a alchohalic
Alright, now that you have an understanding of the faggotry I'm dealing with here we shall continue on...

Mebrane: Hahah, you wrote quite a bit about yourself for some one who doesent like to wright about themselves... And you said you liked people who can't spell??? Most people hate people who can't spell... I would say that you are amused by the stupidity of others... Am I right? What did you take in collage? And how come you don't like gordon Campbell... His kid sells some pritty kick ass weed... Ahahha... The wonders of polotics eh? In case you are wondering why I sent a message to you, is that I felt like a good conversation and making a new friend that I will never actually meet... Hello I am mat

Me:  Ya well boredom will do that to you. I font recall saying anything about liking people who can't spell or form proper sentences. If I weren't amused by the stupidity of others I wouldn't be on this site and I wouldn't have written it on my profile. I took the HCA course and do I really need to explain why I hate Campbell? Because I honestly don't have the patience to write out a giant list.

Membrane:   Yeah boredom sux... What is HCA? And you need not explain why you hate a polotition... Everybody hates polotitions for many reasons... So what's the funniest (stupidest) thing you have seen on this site thus far? Must be worth is for you to keep coming back?

(Now after reading his epic huge profile full of the most retarded spelling errors, psycho bullshit and completely off topic stories about such random shit that no one would even want to hear as a first impression, no contest, guess what I said?)

Me: You.

Membrane: For some one who claims not to be a jerk, you have a wierd way of proving it... I guess comon decency and respect for fellow people is a thing of the past eh... Well peace, love and respect... Rest in hell ;)

Me: You're a psychopath. Have fun "aborting" trees in the psych ward. (Because his calls his career working with trees an "abortist")

Membrane: If it where not for people like me, you wouldent have electricity for lights to apply your pritty make up... Or waisting your life away on a computer convincing yourself that your better than the rest of the people around you... You must have a really fulfilling happy life... I can tell your a person who is really going to go far in life... Your definatly not as cool as I thought you would be... Sad, pathetic and begging for attention... I'm glad we got this straitened out And for your information, I know more about trees than you know about yourself, I love trees more than your mother loves you...

Me: Hahahaha! You're fucking retarded. I'm on my iPhone shit head. I have gone far in life at least I can spell the name of my career and don't have a dating site to find someone. You make yourself sound like a completely uneducated psycho stalker. You're going to die alone. Maybe you can have sex with your trees though.

Membrane: Well what a coincidence, I'm on my iPhone 4.... And every man dies alone, not every man truly lives... Listen hear ****... I have no problem finding love... I'm smart, good looking, strong, own my own home, own my own truck, I stash 5 grand a year into my RSPs.... I have dated 3 women so far in the year of 2010... Love is easy for me to find... Trust on the other hand is more illlusive than fuuckjng Bigfoot.... I've caught girlfriends stealing, cheeting and lying red handed... I serve no second chances... I got my sh*ttogether better than you think I do... To women like you, men like me are your wet dreams.... I've had enuf stupid bitvhes like you who think your so high and mighty, I've seen them fail and fall time and time again, coming back balling when they realize that they blew it.... You call me a phyco... Well your wrong... I got my head screws on tight, and know what I want out of life, how manny 22 year olds do you know that have rsps, own thier own home, and has a job that makes 72 thousand a year.... It is you who is the phyco ****, you don't even know what you want out of life... Do you even have a job.... You must make your boyfriend a really happy man... It shows you must put out, cause I wouldent put up with your bullishit

Me: Calm down spaz. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me. Now shut the fuck up and go die in a fire.

Membrane:  Hahah, looks like we really hit it off... Wow, feel the fire... You should just dump your boyfriend, and come live in my basement as my slave woman Hahah, this is over, I'm not gonna bother you anymore... It was a nice verbal assault we had, if you wanna rip into me again sum time, send me a message this time next month ;)

October 10, 2010: rrod13

rrod13: that is a very interesting photo sweaty.

Me: Sweaty?

September 29, 2010: PurpleWinter (AGAIN)

PurpleWinter: make love to me with those blue eyes

Me:  I don't think that's physically possible

PurpleWinter:   let me rephrase[ make love to me.     anyway if this isnt working for you and you just need someone to throw down the pipe then let me know, if you catch my drift...

Me:  That's why I have a boyfriend...

September 23, 2010: Hobbit13

Hobbit13: your mean!

Me: *You're

August 20, 2010: Super Man

Super Man: Hi. I think your super sexy. Happy fishing.

Me: I'm not single.

Super Man not single?... then what are you doing here? Silly girl...

Me Well if you'd actually read my profile you'd know.

Super Man: ya, ya... I read your profile the first time... I do read and I never asked you out or something... maybe you should read! I was just being nice. Who would believe this dolphin crap anyhow? Sounds like a load of bull shit. Your ugly anyhow... lol. I do much better than you. Freak!

And then the pussy blocks me. Because a scientific research on dolphins is total bullshit. And I must be so ugly and freaky considering he went out of his way to message me and call me sexy. Maybe he'll die in a fire if we're lucky.

May 7, 2010: PurpleWinter

PurpleWinter: Maybe if you changed your title and got rid of the s in sweet. you'd have more messages. But probably not the messages you'd want, lol.

(My title is "I'm freakin' sweet)

Me:Why would I change my title? It's fuckin' rad. And why would I want it to say "weet". That isn't a word. I get tons of messages on here as it is, doesn't bug me either way I'm not single.

April 19, 2010: V.1

                                          Here is the offending picture:

V.1: ok umm lol the word fag in ur pics does not applie try using something less harsh but the word faggatory is a good one never heard that b4 lol

Me: It does apply because it is written above my head in spray paint. We were mocking it. Learn to spell.

April 6, 2010: looking for something

3/30/2010 11:42:56 AM looking for something: Hello there how are you today I would like to get to know you to see If we have anything in common if not I was looking thru your profile and found you incredibly interesting if your interested in getting to know me too message me back

4/7/2010 12:29:34 AM looking for something: Hi there my name is Arthur I was looking thou profiles and came across yours you have my attention I hope I get yours and we can see if we have something that will click so message me back cutie ttysoon

Me: You already sent me this...I DON'T CARE!

looking for something: alright iam sorry i whont send you anything els

April 6, 2010: codyalexander

codyalexander: wwwhhhoooaaa yor freakin sexy!

Me: Thanks

codyalexander: short n sweet eh lol

Me: Ya, I'm lazy today

codyalexande:r im usually lazy on a good day

Me: Yaa I'm not so bad most of the time.

codyalexander: for example im sitting at the computer mixing differant kinds of candy to see whats the best mix... so far its mini eggs and gummi bears cause its tastes alot like a big turk.. hmm good day so far.

Me: Haha

codyalexander: its allright i know your jelouse

Me: Totally

codyalexnader: lazy again?

Me: Nah, just distracted

codyalexander: your not a very nice person

Me: ....uh ok?

codyalexander: just vibes sry.. lol sry that comment didnt make me very nice either hahah..

Me: Yaaa well I don't even know you so I don't really care

codyalexander: oh here we go go with the mocho punk rock anti sociaty shit... ps im just ****ing with you ease up.

Me: Yes, that's totally me. Not caring about what people you don't even know on the internet think isn't really [SIC] "mocho punk rock anti sociaty shit", it's just common sense.

April 6, 2010: gfitter

gfitter: Are you 420 friendly?Are you fun?

Me: Not anymore, not with my meds

gfitter: So can you come out and play? Are you allowed to have a sleep over,or play house?We could dress you up!!ha ha

Me: I'm allowed to do whatever the **** I want, unfortunately this kind of retardation does not capture my interest.

gfitter: So doe spank your *** get you up for a harley ride and beating on the 4x4 in the bush work !If not go fish......later

Me: You know what gets me up? When people can type without sounding like a four year old with Down's. And no, all those things are kind of fail. I'm not even single, can you not read?